Will and Jada Pinkett Smith Lied To Me

(I've been writing this post for over a week to make sure that my intent in posting was pure and to avoid people getting all up in their feelings. (lol) I NEVER post without pictures but somehow a picture of me wearing my silver flat lace ups (so true and so cute...I digress) didn't seem right. The next post will be prettier!)

You know what's not easy...being a step-parent. Here I am looking at Will and Jada's perfectly blended family and I'm thinking that my story was going to be like theirs. #chileplease

Let's get the basics out of the way.
A.  I was asked to write about my perspective on being a step-parent by Drollgirl (read her post here) and these are my experiences. I've avoided discussing step-parenting on this platforming because...well hell....just because. 

B.  My goal is not to bash anyone but to share. That's what blogging is about. 
C.  I KNOW that I have certain people who like to keep an eye on me (baby mama's friends), so just for the record, feel free to snapshot this post and send per usual... I don't even care. *hi five*

I guess I will approach what I've learned (still learning)  as a list:

1. It's not easy. Even if you have been in the little one's life for 8 years or more (in my case), there is no automatic button that says that we are gonna get it right on the first try. Circumstances are different for different families. Baby mamas, overzealous grandmothers, outside influences....all of that plays a HUGE part in how your blended family turns out. In my case, it was the case of a not so awesome biological mother (again...my opinion), an over protective (and downright disrespectful)  maternal grandmother and a child who had her own agenda. Great recipe for foolywang pie.

2. Everyone will give you their opinion even when you don't ask for it. NOTHING boiled my blood more than having other people's opinion on how I should handle my household. In my case, my husband and I were constantly explaining our parenting decisions to other people who don't live in our home 24 hours a day. They weren't there when the little one decided to steal and wear your panties (a moment to gasp). True story, I seriously thought I was losing underwear like socks for about a month until we figured out what was going on. I can't wait to laugh about this with her when she is an adult.  Or when you found full sandwiches hidden in closets for months. You hear a whole lot of "you should" or "I woulda" or "what you need to do". 

3. Step-parents automatically become the bad guy. It's written in the bible somewhere I bet. (Just kidding). But that's the deal. No matter how well you treat your new child. No matter how many "just me and you hanging out dates" you have with her. It doesn't matter if you spent an entire day on Pinterest pinning hairstyles to do for her. YOU WILL be the bad person. Anytime something went down, I got the stank eye. The whole "oh you just don't seem to like her" very much eye. Or the "You don't have kids so you must not know how to handle a child" eye. So annoying. I got a bad rap/rep from everybody. People I know. People I don't know. People who don't know me. People who think they know everything. Everybody. It took me years to stand in my truth and just decide that I know I was a positive parental authority. I knew that I was providing a home with love and nurturing but what shocked everyone's (the kid, the baby mama, the controlling grandma) was that we believed in discipline. More specifically, consequences. If you had a bad grade in class, you had consequences. That's when all hell broke loose. Nobody was used to that and it pissed everybody off.

4.  DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE RUN YOUR HOUSEHOLD. Because they will try. In my case, it was the  (maternal) grandmother who was trying to dictate what happiness looked like in our home and also the old "let me call my mom and tell her every single thing that happens in my new home that I don't like and let's try to make it sound like a dungeon while I'm at it" trick. I've got stories for days. Everybody's hand in the pot caused a major breakdown in my first year of marriage. There were times when I cried because I didn't want to come home to real life. But not because it was so terrible but because I was so busy trying to be the "nice step-mom" and please the child, the step-mama, the grandparents.  I was so scared that I was getting judged (I was by the way) that I would be quiet or let things slide out of fear. I had to let that ish go! Because Little Bit was running a number on us all. The  minute I decided to stand firm to what my husband and I deemed acceptable in OUR house hold...the better things got for us as a couple. People like to see a house divided. Whether it be a disgruntled child, or a shady baby mama or a know it all grandmother who wouldn't let my husband be a father or me be the woman in my own household.

5. It takes time. The "Will and Jada" movement can be the result if everyone is on the same page. BUT the adults MUST be on the same page. That wasn't my truth. That's not what happened in my case. Instead of fighting it, my husband and I went through some major challenges and decided that we are not going to back down from what works for our household. Once all parties realized that we were a unit and that chaotic relationships was not on our agenda, people began to fall back slowly but surely.

6.  There is no  guide to step-parenting (parenting in general). Would I love a fairy tale ending where we all take a blended family picture  with both sides of the family and all the kids/step kids in it...sure. But it's okay if that never happens. My goal these days is to treat everyone with respect and provide a healthy household for my family. 

7. Don't assume that you know what's going on behind closed doors. People assumed so much about my new family. That we were perfect. That my stepdaughter loved me. That she hated me. That my husband didn't know what he was doing. That we were strict. That we weren't strict enough. My character was challenged, tested, tried and assassinated at times. All because I was the "step-mom."

8.  A child feeds off division in a family. If a child sees that their parents are fighting each other or other people about parenting, they will use that. I grew up in a "traditional family" (meaning no step brothers/step moms...etc.) so imagine my surprise when I learned that there is a whole new dynamic to being a step child. You have a whole extra set of adults to pit against each other. It doesn't help if the child is being told/instructed/encouraged to misbehave by their mothers, etc. I also was in the middle of the "she better not discipline my child" debate. My husband always supported me but the "other side" did not. My step-daughter could have set the house on fire but I better not be the one to say something to her. That weighed heavily on me for a long time and created a lot of internal conflicts. (My husband was not about that life, he wholeheartedly believed that I should not adopt a "seen and not heard" approach)

9. Don't force it. I try to be my most authentic self at all times with everyone. To be honest, my step-daughter and I always got along. So it was never an issue of us not liking/loving each other. It's just that I think she was torn between liking me and still pledging all allegiance to her mother and other side of the family. She hated rules/consequences. That was new to her. The crazy part is that my husband was much stricter than I was/am but I always got the backlash. I just decided to just be. Not explain myself and just be.

10. EXPECT TO BE JUDGED. I am sure I covered this somewhere above but it deserves it's own individual moment. I suffered so much because I was worried about what other people thought about me. My husband's eyes were on me. The in law's eyes were on me. My sister's eyes were on me. My friends eyes were on me. Eyes were always on me. Anytime my stepdaughter and I were in the same room, I felt like people were expecting us to break out in song and dance or to start mud wrestling. Neither ever happened. I was accused of not being "maternal" before. That SUPER pissed me off and quite honestly hurt my feelings. The truth is that every kid is not going to want to lay in my bosom and lick my tears when I weep about not having a Dr. Pepper in the house. (That made me laugh)

That doesn't make me a bad person. I wanted to have fun but I felt like I wanted to be a stable and consistent parent in her life. So if we didn't walk in the room holding hands wearing matching outfits people assumed that something was wrong. Again, I had to decide to not care about what other people thought. I knew that I was a positive influence in her life. I knew that I was there to support my husband in parenting. But I also know that I have nor will I ever be one for B.S. I am not one for foolishness, tomfoolery, antics and chaos. When we (hubby and I) decided that we weren't going to fall victim to judgement and unrealistic expectations, the easier we were both able to sleep at night. 

It's kind of hard to write this post without including specific examples but I didn't want this to be a "let me tell you what happened kind of post." There are indeed some not so pretty bits/factors I am leaving out purposely to avoid ranting/over-sharing (Because, trust me I can) but my feelings are still the same.

Please believe that I have stories for days. Do/did we make mistakes. Of course! There is not a parent alive who would not admit to the same! I remember having a discussion years ago with my mom where she shared that she made some mistakes as a parent.  So, I know that it's just part of the territory.

Step parenting is a whole different beast and it is different for everyone. It took years for me to accept that. I thought it looked a certain way. You know, with the Christmas card including all step parents/step kids and dogs. But that's not always the case but that doesn't mean that it has to be a bad experience. I believe wholeheartedly that my stepdaughter will appreciate me the older she gets.

Until then...I rock on...

What's your experience as a step-parent or even as a step-child?

Genetics

My sister called me the other day and made me proud.

She said my 12 13 12 year old niece went to the mall and told her that she was really into cropped tops.

My sister calls them "flashdance" shirts.

My niece refused to buy a shirt from the store, instead she wanted to come home and make some herself.

THAT'S MY GIRL!

She got that from trait from me.

I was so proud.

Oddly, I woke up this morning and decided this top was bothering me. I felt like it didn't have enough "slouch" to it.

So after I put in my contacts and brushed my teeth, I grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and cut the rib off the neck of the shirt.

ALL BETTER NOW!

You know, the funny thing is my fiance' (24 more days until I have to use the word "husband") saw me do this and never once questioned me.

I think he's used to my antics now.

Thrifted skirt

Urban Outfitters Tee (DIY'ed)

Jessica Simpson Sandals

(Same skirt, different day)

Little Ol' Me

Smashion, the fashion social site where people sell and swap their favorite items, did a little feature on GFS (I love that I just branded myself! Ha!)

Check out the interview here!

Also, thank you KEY for all of your support of GFS and  SFAM!

And to keep this all in perspective. I will share you with an exchange I had with my brother. I randomly sent my little brother a link to my Smashion interview. I never send him anything about my blog because...well he is a guy and it's not on XBOX, so it doesn't matter to him.

I sent the link around 7am. At 7:22am, this was his reply...

My Sucker Brother: "This is what you think about when you wake up?"

Me: What else is there to think about?

My Sucker Brother: *crickets*

Roses and Thorns

(Thrifted Blouse, Lucky Brand Shoes, BCBG Heels, Target Leopard Scarf, Tribal clutch courtesy of Marionrenee.com)

 The picture above is the prime reason why I need a permanant assistant who follows me around with a mirror to reflect the sunlight, fan me and adjust my clothes before I take pics so I won't have  problems like one sleeve up and one sleeve down.

I would like to add that I'm a thrifting beast. This vintage blouse makes me happy! I can't wait to find a waist pencil skirt to rock with this blouse. I didn't think I would like the high neck and huge bow but now I worship the look!

I haven't done Roses and Thorns in a minute so here goes.

Roses:

1. I am in the planning stages of 2 major projects and it's seeming to all come together (details later:)

2. I made an awesome turkey sandwich today. (bacon on any sandwich makes everything better:)

3. Watched an awesome episode of The Good Wife this week (Did you see it!?!)

4. I'm alive and well and so is everyone around me:)

Thorn:

1. Someone SPAT in my future stepdaughter's (Ms. Thang) mouth this week...IN HER MOUTH! FOR NO REASON (apparently)...and Ms. THANG did NOTHING about it!!! She's non-confrontational and it's totally out of character for her to be violent but I'm working on that:) BUT WHO DOES THAT?!? Why is any ten year old spitting on another ten year old!  IN THE MOUTH! That means that you had to time it just right to land your saliva in another person's mouth. Does she practice that at home or something!?!?

I was so mad but not for the right reason. I was mad that MS. THANG didn't knock that little girl's spleen out of place! 

Click here to read the real details of this spitting incident from my dude's pov:)

One more thing: Are you signed up with Shop It To ME? You should be! Click here! It's kinda like getting a heads up on an item that you've had your eye on for a while!

One Lonely Beastie I Be...

(sorry about the wrinkles...long day)

I went to a party this weekend. There was a dj, barbecue and dancing.

You're thinking I went to the club, huh? NOPE.

I went to my nephew's LITTLE LEAGUE football game!

All you soccer moms and little leaguing moms...I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LIKE THAT!

(Thrifted Men's Shirt/Thrifted scarf/Steve Madden Shoes/Thrifted KOOBA bag)

I went to support my nephew even though he wouldn't know it because he goes out of his way to ignore me. He just gives me the side eye whenever I come to his games as if he doesn't want to be associated with the likes of me. He's such a hater!

Well, I noticed that there was music being played during this game but it wasn't half-time yet.

I look over at the side lines of the other team...THEY HAVE A DJ! A DJ!! With a turn table and all!

OMG! I was so in shock! Really, Little League football is like that now?!?

Here's a rundown of some of the songs that were played:

1. Freaks of the Industry (Digital Underground)

2. I'm Bad (LL Cool J)

3. Paul Revere (Beastie Boys)

4. Blow the Whistle (Too Short...yes...TOO SHORT!)

5. Planet Rock (Africa Bambaataa)

(Cheerleaders doing the Cha Cha Slide during half time)

I pretty much ignored the game at that point:)



 

And because I kinda lost my mind when I heard the Beastie Boys song...here ya go...ENJOY!

*Title of this post is the best line from this song*

The Award For the Worst Auntie Goes To...

The award for the worst auntie goes to....ME! I messed up today...BAD!

I have my nephews in town for the summer. I've had 5 of them with me for a few days. The oldest is 16 and the youngest is 8. They complained about needing a haircut so I thought I would take them. A haircut can cost around 15 to 20 bucks...yeah...times 5! Not so appealing, right? Well, my friend suggested a place that her hubby goes to and was only 4 bucks for a cut. I've seen her hubby millions of times, I figured it was the perfect spot for 5 heads right? No.

So, we go to the shop and even when I pulled up and saw the $3.99 sign, a knot started forming in my gut. The older boys are already talking smack. FOUR DOLLARS?!? Unh hunh. I'm ignoring them and shushing them and trying to reassure them that it's all good. (I should have just turned around right then!)

We walk in and there are nothing but Asian barbers...old Asian barbers...men and women. I'm not judging...I'm just that demographic is not the norm in the "hood" barbershops. So, of course the boys are in an uproar now. I see other clients in the chairs so I am now demanding that my brood shut up!

I forced them to all get in a chair and get their haircut. Each kiddo got in a chair and each barber looked at me like "what do you want me to do?" I'm looking like what the heck? Ask them! Then I figured it out. They speak limited English. Great!

(This skirt is rather full which I usually shy away from but everyday can't be a pencil skirt:)

 So, I go to each chair and tell the barbers what they wanted and each time the barber would point to a picture of a rapper pinned on the wall!!OH MY GOD! NO, I don't want my nephews to look like Bobby Brown when he was with New Edition...circa  1988!

Against my better judgement, I allowed the torture to proceed! I cried a little on the inside as I saw the lady barber next to me take a Schick Quatro razor to my 8 year old nephews head. When they were all done, everyone of them ran out of the door in silence and commenced to pointing at each other to compare whose head was butchered the worst! 

 One nephew had patches behind his ear...another had hair on his forehead...just a mess! My oldest nephew demanded that I take him straight home...not to stop anywhere! I felt soooooo bad!!! I tried to tell them that it wasn't that bad but one of the nephews said he would have rather let Frankie cut his hair....FRANKIE is my DOG y'all!

(I've had this black Gap shirt for years & wore it once. The fit bothers me but it was tolerable today I guess. The Gap skirt used to be white but I dyed it yellow. I learned how to rock my scarf from here

I couldn't allow my family to go out like extras from the Do The Right Thing movie.  I called around to find a reputable barber shop. I found one and took them so they can redeem some of their manhood that was stripped from them. I even bought them ice cream to try to erase the memories but bribes don't go a long way when you have a "rep"...so they tell me. I gotta go...I think they are throwing bricks at my car. I deserve it:(

Moral of the story? YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR!
Lesson Learned!

P.S...that friend who suggested this torture chamber is now on probation from giving advice. The punishment fits the crime.