Will and Jada Pinkett Smith Lied To Me

(I've been writing this post for over a week to make sure that my intent in posting was pure and to avoid people getting all up in their feelings. (lol) I NEVER post without pictures but somehow a picture of me wearing my silver flat lace ups (so true and so cute...I digress) didn't seem right. The next post will be prettier!)

You know what's not easy...being a step-parent. Here I am looking at Will and Jada's perfectly blended family and I'm thinking that my story was going to be like theirs. #chileplease

Let's get the basics out of the way.
A.  I was asked to write about my perspective on being a step-parent by Drollgirl (read her post here) and these are my experiences. I've avoided discussing step-parenting on this platforming because...well hell....just because. 

B.  My goal is not to bash anyone but to share. That's what blogging is about. 
C.  I KNOW that I have certain people who like to keep an eye on me (baby mama's friends), so just for the record, feel free to snapshot this post and send per usual... I don't even care. *hi five*

I guess I will approach what I've learned (still learning)  as a list:

1. It's not easy. Even if you have been in the little one's life for 8 years or more (in my case), there is no automatic button that says that we are gonna get it right on the first try. Circumstances are different for different families. Baby mamas, overzealous grandmothers, outside influences....all of that plays a HUGE part in how your blended family turns out. In my case, it was the case of a not so awesome biological mother (again...my opinion), an over protective (and downright disrespectful)  maternal grandmother and a child who had her own agenda. Great recipe for foolywang pie.

2. Everyone will give you their opinion even when you don't ask for it. NOTHING boiled my blood more than having other people's opinion on how I should handle my household. In my case, my husband and I were constantly explaining our parenting decisions to other people who don't live in our home 24 hours a day. They weren't there when the little one decided to steal and wear your panties (a moment to gasp). True story, I seriously thought I was losing underwear like socks for about a month until we figured out what was going on. I can't wait to laugh about this with her when she is an adult.  Or when you found full sandwiches hidden in closets for months. You hear a whole lot of "you should" or "I woulda" or "what you need to do". 

3. Step-parents automatically become the bad guy. It's written in the bible somewhere I bet. (Just kidding). But that's the deal. No matter how well you treat your new child. No matter how many "just me and you hanging out dates" you have with her. It doesn't matter if you spent an entire day on Pinterest pinning hairstyles to do for her. YOU WILL be the bad person. Anytime something went down, I got the stank eye. The whole "oh you just don't seem to like her" very much eye. Or the "You don't have kids so you must not know how to handle a child" eye. So annoying. I got a bad rap/rep from everybody. People I know. People I don't know. People who don't know me. People who think they know everything. Everybody. It took me years to stand in my truth and just decide that I know I was a positive parental authority. I knew that I was providing a home with love and nurturing but what shocked everyone's (the kid, the baby mama, the controlling grandma) was that we believed in discipline. More specifically, consequences. If you had a bad grade in class, you had consequences. That's when all hell broke loose. Nobody was used to that and it pissed everybody off.

4.  DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE RUN YOUR HOUSEHOLD. Because they will try. In my case, it was the  (maternal) grandmother who was trying to dictate what happiness looked like in our home and also the old "let me call my mom and tell her every single thing that happens in my new home that I don't like and let's try to make it sound like a dungeon while I'm at it" trick. I've got stories for days. Everybody's hand in the pot caused a major breakdown in my first year of marriage. There were times when I cried because I didn't want to come home to real life. But not because it was so terrible but because I was so busy trying to be the "nice step-mom" and please the child, the step-mama, the grandparents.  I was so scared that I was getting judged (I was by the way) that I would be quiet or let things slide out of fear. I had to let that ish go! Because Little Bit was running a number on us all. The  minute I decided to stand firm to what my husband and I deemed acceptable in OUR house hold...the better things got for us as a couple. People like to see a house divided. Whether it be a disgruntled child, or a shady baby mama or a know it all grandmother who wouldn't let my husband be a father or me be the woman in my own household.

5. It takes time. The "Will and Jada" movement can be the result if everyone is on the same page. BUT the adults MUST be on the same page. That wasn't my truth. That's not what happened in my case. Instead of fighting it, my husband and I went through some major challenges and decided that we are not going to back down from what works for our household. Once all parties realized that we were a unit and that chaotic relationships was not on our agenda, people began to fall back slowly but surely.

6.  There is no  guide to step-parenting (parenting in general). Would I love a fairy tale ending where we all take a blended family picture  with both sides of the family and all the kids/step kids in it...sure. But it's okay if that never happens. My goal these days is to treat everyone with respect and provide a healthy household for my family. 

7. Don't assume that you know what's going on behind closed doors. People assumed so much about my new family. That we were perfect. That my stepdaughter loved me. That she hated me. That my husband didn't know what he was doing. That we were strict. That we weren't strict enough. My character was challenged, tested, tried and assassinated at times. All because I was the "step-mom."

8.  A child feeds off division in a family. If a child sees that their parents are fighting each other or other people about parenting, they will use that. I grew up in a "traditional family" (meaning no step brothers/step moms...etc.) so imagine my surprise when I learned that there is a whole new dynamic to being a step child. You have a whole extra set of adults to pit against each other. It doesn't help if the child is being told/instructed/encouraged to misbehave by their mothers, etc. I also was in the middle of the "she better not discipline my child" debate. My husband always supported me but the "other side" did not. My step-daughter could have set the house on fire but I better not be the one to say something to her. That weighed heavily on me for a long time and created a lot of internal conflicts. (My husband was not about that life, he wholeheartedly believed that I should not adopt a "seen and not heard" approach)

9. Don't force it. I try to be my most authentic self at all times with everyone. To be honest, my step-daughter and I always got along. So it was never an issue of us not liking/loving each other. It's just that I think she was torn between liking me and still pledging all allegiance to her mother and other side of the family. She hated rules/consequences. That was new to her. The crazy part is that my husband was much stricter than I was/am but I always got the backlash. I just decided to just be. Not explain myself and just be.

10. EXPECT TO BE JUDGED. I am sure I covered this somewhere above but it deserves it's own individual moment. I suffered so much because I was worried about what other people thought about me. My husband's eyes were on me. The in law's eyes were on me. My sister's eyes were on me. My friends eyes were on me. Eyes were always on me. Anytime my stepdaughter and I were in the same room, I felt like people were expecting us to break out in song and dance or to start mud wrestling. Neither ever happened. I was accused of not being "maternal" before. That SUPER pissed me off and quite honestly hurt my feelings. The truth is that every kid is not going to want to lay in my bosom and lick my tears when I weep about not having a Dr. Pepper in the house. (That made me laugh)

That doesn't make me a bad person. I wanted to have fun but I felt like I wanted to be a stable and consistent parent in her life. So if we didn't walk in the room holding hands wearing matching outfits people assumed that something was wrong. Again, I had to decide to not care about what other people thought. I knew that I was a positive influence in her life. I knew that I was there to support my husband in parenting. But I also know that I have nor will I ever be one for B.S. I am not one for foolishness, tomfoolery, antics and chaos. When we (hubby and I) decided that we weren't going to fall victim to judgement and unrealistic expectations, the easier we were both able to sleep at night. 

It's kind of hard to write this post without including specific examples but I didn't want this to be a "let me tell you what happened kind of post." There are indeed some not so pretty bits/factors I am leaving out purposely to avoid ranting/over-sharing (Because, trust me I can) but my feelings are still the same.

Please believe that I have stories for days. Do/did we make mistakes. Of course! There is not a parent alive who would not admit to the same! I remember having a discussion years ago with my mom where she shared that she made some mistakes as a parent.  So, I know that it's just part of the territory.

Step parenting is a whole different beast and it is different for everyone. It took years for me to accept that. I thought it looked a certain way. You know, with the Christmas card including all step parents/step kids and dogs. But that's not always the case but that doesn't mean that it has to be a bad experience. I believe wholeheartedly that my stepdaughter will appreciate me the older she gets.

Until then...I rock on...

What's your experience as a step-parent or even as a step-child?

Real Life

I know. I know. I've been missing in action.

I feel like I've written this post before. I probably have, I'm just too lazy to find the link.

I'm getting that urge again. I'm in a transition of sorts....again. This time last year, I found out that I lost my job. And I remember being surprised by it but not completely devastated.

(Evidence that I'm alive. Braids gone. Fro is back.)

I remember feeling nervous about not having a steady income but anxious that this could be the kick that I needed to do what I really loved. Then, God blessed me with another teaching job which I am still grateful because I like having money in my pockets.

But I'm going to be honest, my job does not feed my soul.  I know there are a lot of Joe Clarks and Michelle Pheiffers (Dangerous Minds) and Hillary Swanks (Freedom Writers) out there but teaching doesn't completely do it for me. (Finding bullet shells in my classroom might have something to do with it too....#justsaying)

I'm a good teacher. Don't get me wrong. My kids do well every year on their state tests but this is about feeding my spirit. More specifically my creative spirit.

 (I missed feeling my Fro! Yes, I really wear glasses.

 This picture makes me laugh)

While at church this past Sunday, I noticed a seminar coming up that will focus on "Discovering Your Gifts." I know what I can do well and I know what gives me the most joy...

1. I KNOW my gift is writing. (I have a degree in Journalism)

2. My absolute joy comes from personal styling. I get more enjoyment out of a one hour Skype session with a client  than an entire year of teaching.

3. I enjoy empowering women to dress for their bodies. Working with what they have.

4. I do have a knack for event planning.

5. I do have an eye for thrifting.

6. I've learned that my niche' may very well be personal styling for men. Believe it or not, I have more male clients than women. Men are surprisingly open for change.

7. I have not one desire to be a designer of clothes but honey, I've been known to have an ill fitting dress made into a bad ass skirt or top! I love to see the potential in clothing.

8. I adore my job as video stylist and personal stylist to R&B singer LeeLonn. I keep getting blessed almost on a daily with gigs. Two years ago, I NEVER would've thought that I would be in this line of work but I LOVE IT! Like LOVE!

(These Instagrams will have to do until I do a real outfit post:) 

Here's what I don't know...

1. How to channel all of the above into a career that feeds my soul and pays the bills. I'm especially inspired by people who stumble into a fulfilling career. I've learned to not limit myself to one thing. As Beyonce says, "I'm multi-faceted!"

That's where you come in. If Justin Beiber can become a superstar by singing on Youtube...surely my readers can help guide me in the right direction. (Doesn't hurt to ask:)

Any tips, leads, contacts, projects or even encouraging words for me? I have the resume', the portfolio, just need some direction.
(Or as we used to say back in the day... I need to "hit a lick")

On a side note...because of all of these thoughts, I do have some changes coming for God's Favorite Shoes soon. All good stuff.

Ready. Set. Go!

Any Day Now...Oprah Will Sign Those Adoption Papers

So...this won't be a post with pictures of me picking cherry blossoms with my feet turned inward looking at the camera like I didn't know it was there. (That pose usually makes me look stupid anyway)

I wasn't even going to type this post because blogging is about the latest shoe acquisition or the latest magazine inspiration. It's the happy, shiny place where the world is better just by realizing that a skirt can be worn as a dress or realizing that leopard and camo prints are considered neutrals. (I do believe that)

But that's not my reality at this moment.

At this moment, I am wondering why I have two degrees but was just informed that I will not have a job next year due to budget cuts. Most of you know that I'm a teacher. Once upon a time, that was the most secure job on earth. Not anymore.

This is not even a post to rant about the education system (but you can call me and I will give you my two cents) or about the President (he stepped into this mess...he didn't create it and he is still MY president so watch it:).

It's simply to say that I value this blog and my followers. I think ignoring something so major going on in my life is the exact reason why you choose not to follow other bloggers but somehow have chosen to follow mine.

I often wonder about some bloggers who look like they don't have a care in the world and their biggest concern is what to wear to take outfit pictures. I am not that chick. This blogger has bills to pay.

I try not to get too personal most times because a) even though I have a website, I have a weird paranoia about the internet  and b)I already have a stalker from prison thanks to this whole fashion thing.

I felt like instead of having a weird absence from posting (which sometimes is necessary), that I would be transparent and explain that I'm going through an unwanted transition right now. I'm not the first and I certainly won't be the last. But this is my blog so I get to do what I want.

So, while I await for Oprah and Stedman to sign the adoption papers that would  put my whole family out of misery, this is my reality.

I do think this is an opportunity to maybe find something more in the lane of styling, writing, and wardrobe editing. I even enjoy teaching kids if I am teaching them how to style, write, and edit their wardrobes!

To be honest, some phenomenal opportunities have come my way just through this blog (hopefully I will get to share about it later this summer) so it's not beneath me to ask if you know somebody, who knows somebody who wants a stylist, or a writer with a degree in Journalism and Master's in Education Administration with a desire to frolic and be one of "those" artsy people who manages to pay their mortgage and look phenomenal while brunching  networking. I've always wanted to write for a living or tap more into the creative side of me, so this just may be that time.

I want to be one of those people...I'd be good at it. Oddly enough, I do think something great is coming my way.

This sucks nonetheless. I'm not into astrology a whole lot but I am a true Virgo. We crave stability. This shakes up my world a little but I am a believer in God ( I have to be, it's GOD's Favorite Shoes after all) and that there is always something bigger and better in store for most people. Most people...not people who wear jeggings with short shirts..nothing good will come to them:)

So while I await for Oprah and Stedman to get their act together and make a decision about adopting a 35 year old Texas girl, I'll be watching old re-runs of Martin and taking notes on how Tommy did it. (Can't explain that if you didn't watch The Martin Lawrence Show in the 90's).

I think Oprah might be close to adopting me though...I have a dog. I wrote that on my adoption application TO her. She loves dogs.

(I know some people wouldn't have disclosed this personal info or may think it's about sympathy but if you know anything about me in real life...you can imagine what I would say to that. Plus, this post was more for me than them...and there is always the "delete post" button)

Real outfit post coming soon...promise:)

P.S...The good news is that I'll be putting new Spring items on SFAM soon:)

..