Calvin Klein Hates Me

This summer I saw this cute Calvin Klein dress at TJ Maxx but they didn't have my size. It was very reminiscent of those pencil dresses that I love. It was a charcoal gray sheath a with gray belt and it screamed Jackie O doing lunch or sexy librarian.

I wanted it so bad that I embarked on a citywide search for my size 12...even driving to TJ maxx's in the far corners of the world...ok...on the other side of town. I had talked about the dress so much that even my friends were sick of hearing about it. One of my friends even went shopping one day and called me because she thought she found it and of course I got OUT of my bed to see and of course it wasn't it. The point is EVERYBODY knew I was on a mission.

I was obsessed.

I never found it. I eventually gave up and realized it was not meant to be. Well, that's not totally true...I had to pay my house note and realized that a place to live probably outweighed that $60 dress (by the way, was is the same dress $170 bucks at Dillards/Bloomingdale's)

You know what they say though...You will always find what you are looking for when you stop looking. Actually they say that about men but a man versus a pretty dress is a tough call for me:) I kid. I kid. A man who buys me a pretty dress every now and then is a nice compromise, wouldn't you think:)

I digress.

Low and behold a month later...I saw the dress and literally screamed because it was a size 12. I really need a hobby or a kid or something because as I type this, I realize that I could be just as excited about volunteering somewhere or reading the bible or something meaningful. Anyway, I think I may have broken into a dance in the middle of the store, I can't remember but it is highly possible.

I zipped home because I had put so many different shoe options with the dress in my head. I planned to wear it EVERYWHERE because it was meant to be, right?

I just had to get to know it better because my dresses and I have intimate relationships. I slipped or shall I say begged the dress on and noticed that it was snug. I just figured that I needed to do a couple sit ups or drink cayenne pepper juice or whatever Beyonce' does to lose weight. The snugness didn't deter me though. I even went so far as to run down my stairs, down the driveway to my neighbor/friend's house to show her that I finally got the dress.

Psycho, right? I know.

I "inch" my way over there and the whole way I am thinking to myself...Man, I need to lay off those chicken dinners because I can't rock this dress with a gut. I am still determined as I secretly chant YES I CAN in my head. I get over there and we both agree that it is a fab dress. I just said, "Well, I won't wear it until I drop 5 lbs...that's all I need. (insert laugh here)

So I inch back home and toddle up the stairs and have a conniption trying to unzip the dress from behind. THE ZIPPER BROKE! You would think the story ends there. NOT. I also noticed that the belt thingy was not long enough...I just said to myself "Self...Calvin Klein does not design for black girls.".

So I throw the dress and belt into the car and off I go to my tailor. It just needs a better zipper right? And I need to extend the belt out right? No biggie...because I HEART the dress.

I pay 18 bucks for the alterations and since I knew I needed to drop some lbz, I don't rush to pick up the dress for a couple of weeks.

A few days ago, I go to pick up the dress and stared it lovingly on the way home. Later that night, one of my friends called me and we were cackling as usual at some nonsense or other. The whole time I was on the phone, I was grunting trying to get the dress on, you know, to get to know it better:) I am surprised that my friend never heard me grunting on the phone..

I am still yapping with my friend and I finally got it off with complete disgust. I look at myself in complete bewilderment. I knew that I had been eating a little extra because I had been having a rough couple of weeks but my goodness, not enough for this private embarrassment. I guess it didn't help matters that I independently made the executive decision that cookies were to be considered a new food group but this was ridiculous.

So, I am still gossiping on the phone and just sit on the edge of my bed completely exasperated. Why is this happening to me? Did I anger God in some way? I can recite the Lord's Prayer and I know that God so loved that he gave his only begotten son. I even know that it's John 3:16. That's got to count for something.

I am really perplexed at this point although I am still holding the phone. Just when I was about to throw a complete tantrum and change religions (not really, relax), I decided to check the size of the dress.

WHY WAS IT A SIZE 10! A FREAKING SIZE 10!!!! THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T FIT IT!! I AM ONLY A SIZE 10 WHEN I HAVE MY TONSILS REMOVED!

Why hadn't I checked that a month ago?!? Here I am driving to get alterations and vowing to starve myself to debut the stupid dress and it's a size 10!.I was so pissed, mainly because I had plans for that dress and if you know anything about Marshall's or TJ Maxx, when you see something you like...BUY IT...because it won't be there the next day.

In my defense, the hanger was labeled a size 12 and that's all I needed to break out and do the Superman in the middle of a store. I guess I had been so excited about pulling off this major coupe that I didn't think to check. I am so ashamed. Especially since I am one class away from earning my Master's...in Education of all things. Just in case you were wondering, I am hanging my head down low right now:(

The funny part is that instead of checking...I literally hung the dress on my door as the prize for dropping some lbz. You know how we are ladies..."oh, I'll buy it now and make it the motivation for me to put down the cookies." :)

I was so disgusted. So, I ended the phone call and made my way to return the dress with 30 minutes to spare before the store closed. Of course they didn't have it but I found a better one...

...............but I am still going to find that dress again!!

Can we say "challenged"? I. AM. CHALLENGED.

I thought this was worth sharing. I told you that I am God's comic Relief. You believe me now, don't you!

(Here is a pic of a poor hungry soul modeling my dress. Poor thing, she really needs to eat. I paired a sweater I found in the closet with the dress and just put the belt over the sweater instead of under. I got the sweater a couple years ago at Target. By the way, Calvin Klein is alright by me so please don't send hate mail if you work there...Just send me a free dress!)

Amen. You may discuss or laugh now. I deserve to be ridiculed.............and YES....my camera phone strikes again!