1/23/14

Will and Jada Pinkett Smith Lied To Me


(I've been writing this post for over a week to make sure that my intent in posting was pure and to avoid people getting all up in their feelings. (lol) I NEVER post without pictures but somehow a picture of me wearing my silver flat lace ups (so true and so cute...I digress) didn't seem right. The next post will be prettier!)

You know what's not easy...being a step-parent. Here I am looking at Will and Jada's perfectly blended family and I'm thinking that my story was going to be like theirs. #chileplease

Let's get the basics out of the way.
A.  I was asked to write about my perspective on being a step-parent by Drollgirl (read her post here) and these are my experiences. I've avoided discussing step-parenting on this platforming because...well hell....just because. 

B.  My goal is not to bash anyone but to share. That's what blogging is about. 
C.  I KNOW that I have certain people who like to keep an eye on me (baby mama's friends), so just for the record, feel free to snapshot this post and send per usual... I don't even care. *hi five*

I guess I will approach what I've learned (still learning)  as a list:

1. It's not easy. Even if you have been in the little one's life for 8 years or more (in my case), there is no automatic button that says that we are gonna get it right on the first try. Circumstances are different for different families. Baby mamas, overzealous grandmothers, outside influences....all of that plays a HUGE part in how your blended family turns out. In my case, it was the case of a not so awesome biological mother (again...my opinion), an over protective (and downright disrespectful)  maternal grandmother and a child who had her own agenda. Great recipe for foolywang pie.

2. Everyone will give you their opinion even when you don't ask for it. NOTHING boiled my blood more than having other people's opinion on how I should handle my household. In my case, my husband and I were constantly explaining our parenting decisions to other people who don't live in our home 24 hours a day. They weren't there when the little one decided to steal and wear your panties (a moment to gasp). True story, I seriously thought I was losing underwear like socks for about a month until we figured out what was going on. I can't wait to laugh about this with her when she is an adult.  Or when you found full sandwiches hidden in closets for months. You hear a whole lot of "you should" or "I woulda" or "what you need to do". 

3. Step-parents automatically become the bad guy. It's written in the bible somewhere I bet. (Just kidding). But that's the deal. No matter how well you treat your new child. No matter how many "just me and you hanging out dates" you have with her. It doesn't matter if you spent an entire day on Pinterest pinning hairstyles to do for her. YOU WILL be the bad person. Anytime something went down, I got the stank eye. The whole "oh you just don't seem to like her" very much eye. Or the "You don't have kids so you must not know how to handle a child" eye. So annoying. I got a bad rap/rep from everybody. People I know. People I don't know. People who don't know me. People who think they know everything. Everybody. It took me years to stand in my truth and just decide that I know I was a positive parental authority. I knew that I was providing a home with love and nurturing but what shocked everyone's (the kid, the baby mama, the controlling grandma) was that we believed in discipline. More specifically, consequences. If you had a bad grade in class, you had consequences. That's when all hell broke loose. Nobody was used to that and it pissed everybody off.

4.  DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE RUN YOUR HOUSEHOLD. Because they will try. In my case, it was the  (maternal) grandmother who was trying to dictate what happiness looked like in our home and also the old "let me call my mom and tell her every single thing that happens in my new home that I don't like and let's try to make it sound like a dungeon while I'm at it" trick. I've got stories for days. Everybody's hand in the pot caused a major breakdown in my first year of marriage. There were times when I cried because I didn't want to come home to real life. But not because it was so terrible but because I was so busy trying to be the "nice step-mom" and please the child, the step-mama, the grandparents.  I was so scared that I was getting judged (I was by the way) that I would be quiet or let things slide out of fear. I had to let that ish go! Because Little Bit was running a number on us all. The  minute I decided to stand firm to what my husband and I deemed acceptable in OUR house hold...the better things got for us as a couple. People like to see a house divided. Whether it be a disgruntled child, or a shady baby mama or a know it all grandmother who wouldn't let my husband be a father or me be the woman in my own household.

5. It takes time. The "Will and Jada" movement can be the result if everyone is on the same page. BUT the adults MUST be on the same page. That wasn't my truth. That's not what happened in my case. Instead of fighting it, my husband and I went through some major challenges and decided that we are not going to back down from what works for our household. Once all parties realized that we were a unit and that chaotic relationships was not on our agenda, people began to fall back slowly but surely.

6.  There is no  guide to step-parenting (parenting in general). Would I love a fairy tale ending where we all take a blended family picture  with both sides of the family and all the kids/step kids in it...sure. But it's okay if that never happens. My goal these days is to treat everyone with respect and provide a healthy household for my family. 

7. Don't assume that you know what's going on behind closed doors. People assumed so much about my new family. That we were perfect. That my stepdaughter loved me. That she hated me. That my husband didn't know what he was doing. That we were strict. That we weren't strict enough. My character was challenged, tested, tried and assassinated at times. All because I was the "step-mom."

8.  A child feeds off division in a family. If a child sees that their parents are fighting each other or other people about parenting, they will use that. I grew up in a "traditional family" (meaning no step brothers/step moms...etc.) so imagine my surprise when I learned that there is a whole new dynamic to being a step child. You have a whole extra set of adults to pit against each other. It doesn't help if the child is being told/instructed/encouraged to misbehave by their mothers, etc. I also was in the middle of the "she better not discipline my child" debate. My husband always supported me but the "other side" did not. My step-daughter could have set the house on fire but I better not be the one to say something to her. That weighed heavily on me for a long time and created a lot of internal conflicts. (My husband was not about that life, he wholeheartedly believed that I should not adopt a "seen and not heard" approach)

9. Don't force it. I try to be my most authentic self at all times with everyone. To be honest, my step-daughter and I always got along. So it was never an issue of us not liking/loving each other. It's just that I think she was torn between liking me and still pledging all allegiance to her mother and other side of the family. She hated rules/consequences. That was new to her. The crazy part is that my husband was much stricter than I was/am but I always got the backlash. I just decided to just be. Not explain myself and just be.

10. EXPECT TO BE JUDGED. I am sure I covered this somewhere above but it deserves it's own individual moment. I suffered so much because I was worried about what other people thought about me. My husband's eyes were on me. The in law's eyes were on me. My sister's eyes were on me. My friends eyes were on me. Eyes were always on me. Anytime my stepdaughter and I were in the same room, I felt like people were expecting us to break out in song and dance or to start mud wrestling. Neither ever happened. I was accused of not being "maternal" before. That SUPER pissed me off and quite honestly hurt my feelings. The truth is that every kid is not going to want to lay in my bosom and lick my tears when I weep about not having a Dr. Pepper in the house. (That made me laugh)

That doesn't make me a bad person. I wanted to have fun but I felt like I wanted to be a stable and consistent parent in her life. So if we didn't walk in the room holding hands wearing matching outfits people assumed that something was wrong. Again, I had to decide to not care about what other people thought. I knew that I was a positive influence in her life. I knew that I was there to support my husband in parenting. But I also know that I have nor will I ever be one for B.S. I am not one for foolishness, tomfoolery, antics and chaos. When we (hubby and I) decided that we weren't going to fall victim to judgement and unrealistic expectations, the easier we were both able to sleep at night. 

It's kind of hard to write this post without including specific examples but I didn't want this to be a "let me tell you what happened kind of post." There are indeed some not so pretty bits/factors I am leaving out purposely to avoid ranting/over-sharing (Because, trust me I can) but my feelings are still the same.

Please believe that I have stories for days. Do/did we make mistakes. Of course! There is not a parent alive who would not admit to the same! I remember having a discussion years ago with my mom where she shared that she made some mistakes as a parent.  So, I know that it's just part of the territory.

Step parenting is a whole different beast and it is different for everyone. It took years for me to accept that. I thought it looked a certain way. You know, with the Christmas card including all step parents/step kids and dogs. But that's not always the case but that doesn't mean that it has to be a bad experience. I believe wholeheartedly that my stepdaughter will appreciate me the older she gets.

Until then...I rock on...

What's your experience as a step-parent or even as a step-child?

35 comments:

GFS said...

I'm not a parent but you deserve a round of applause for this!

GFS said...

O M G! I'm emailing you!

GFS said...

I've been a step-parent also. The one thing (in which I wholeheartedly agree) you reiterate is that you and your husband are on the same page with parenting and choose to uphold your marriage vows over the whims of a child. That's a healthy outlook for the couple and the child. The child will respect the parent and the step parent more if they establish boundaries and maintain them. Everyone has opinions on how they would do things if they were in your shoes--well, they aren't and most of the time they have room for improvement in their own parenting skills. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are too hollywood-ized to take seriously. From what I read about them--they are sadly lacking in healthy boundaries in parenting and in their own personal lives. They started their own church so they could teach their own belief system. Hold your ground (with your hubby)--God will work it out for your good--believe this!

GFS said...

You just blogged my life! Glad to hear this isn't a unique experience.

GFS said...

Baby I loved every single word of this post.

GFS said...

Great post. My wife, who is a stepmom to my daughter that lives with us at age 14 shared this with me and its a blessing for me. Its clear from this article I am not as sensitive on mulitple layers.
What really hit home for me was your quote "Anytime my stepdaughter and I were in the same room, I felt like people were expecting us to break out in song and dance or to start mud wrestling."

Although this has never happened, my wife truly loves her stepdaughter but many don't see the day to day that I am challenged with often too as the dad. I can never truly imagine the challenges as a step parent, yet this post helped shed a lot more light. Thanks for sharing!
LS

GFS said...

i can't even tell you how helpful this post is to me. THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing it!!!!!

now let me tell you how stupid i am. LOL! i was in a long-term relationship years ago, and it ended. it was time for me to find a new relationship, and i decided it might be fun to date someone with kids (seeing as i was in my early 40's and had never had kids, i thought maybe i could latch on to a new man with kids, and pretty much have it all). so that happened. and it has been mostly good. but i am realizing how complicated the blended family thing is. very, very complicated. i know parenting can't be easy on any level, but STEPPARENTING is a whole other ballgame. i am not even really IN that position, as i am just a girlfriend, but i see things, i hear things, i wonder about things. AND I SHY AWAY FROM THINGS when i can. hahahahhahahahahahah

i could go on and on, but i'll try and spare you.

thank you again for this post. THANK YOU!

p.s. one thing i will share with you -- i have been with my boyfriend about 2.5 years. his youngest son is the most difficult to handle. he is nine years old. around xmas time (december 2013) he gave me a hug. voluntarily. spontaneously. the first time in 2.5 years. i was shocked and pleased and a little scared when it happened. but i stayed calm (i am such a moron). i guess maybe my point is that relationships take patience and time.

GFS said...

Thank you for the honesty of this post... I absolutely love it and I know that you are a wonderful mommy so whoever thinks less than that just doesn't take the time to know you. We haven't even formally met but talking to you in e-mail and such, I know your spirit.
I don't have any personal experiences for step-parent or step-child but I know my cousin who I am really close to is going through this- her husband is the step parent to her two oldest girls, their dad committed suicide when they were both little babies. My cousin has a slightly nutty family and none of them have successful marriages, so I believe it makes it hard for them to respect hers. They've brought her husband to tears with the mean and hateful actions they've taken, it's troubling. I don't understand why a person would want to give a step parent, who CHOSE to take on the responsibility of loving and caring for your family, a hard time about it.

GFS said...

Thank you Sunny.
It really is hard to take on that responsibility and expect to smile though it all.
The 11th Commandment: Style Shall NEVER Be Sacrificed
Reiko at God's Favorite Shoes
http://www.godsfavoriteshoes.com/

GFS said...

Man this was deep. I can't imagine what you went through. I know many of my family members have gone through situations and you're right, no one wants anyone to tell their child what to do. From the post it seems like you are in a good place for your family. And Zara is too cute btw. Hopefully the sisters will have a good and strong relationships.

GFS said...

I am going to chime in from a step kids' perspective. I've had my fair share of drama as it pertains to baby mama drama so the man I'm with now doesn't have any! I can't do it unless they are childless or the kids are grown! My dad has been married and divorced twice since he and my mother divorced when I was 10. His second wife was awesome, we knew that she genuinely cared about us. The third wife was an entirely different story! I always felt like she hated us. She made it very clear on more than one occasion that her kids (my dad's step kids) were more important. I'm my parents firstborn. How am I not important? My mom never spoke ill will unless we told her we were being mistreated. Your step daughter knows right from wrong. She knows you care trust me. But rules are a given and I'd they (mama and granny) don't have any of course you are mean! But disrespect shouldn't be tolerated on any level, especially when you're trying to do the right thing. This post was necessary because a lot of folks get mad when their blended family doesn't blend so seamlessly. Kudos to you!

GFS said...

I have a friend (former co-worker) whom I used to have this discussion with back in 2006/2007. Fast forward to late 2013, and she has wrote a book about her experiences...
http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Not-Mommy-WARNINGS-Ex-Stepmother/dp/098976581
I have some thoughts, (cause there would have been four in my case) but I keep them to myself.

GFS said...

I have never been a step parent, but as a step-child it was very difficult to balance both sides of the family and seem like you are choosing sides. Additionally, by the time my step mother came into my life as my dad's wife or fiance whatever (she was his employee first) I was 13 years old. My dad was very lackadaisical when it came to discipline so when he would instill new rules every other day we knew that it was her rules and I just would have preferred she brought them to us (or together) instead of always making my Dad the bearer of bad news, because he could never explain the rules or reasons properly and we would suffer accordingly. Additionally, we were continuously compared us to her own children as if they were somehow better, prettier, smarter, etc. which caused more conflict within the household. As an adult, I still have issues with her and my dad's ignorance of the situation but I have learned how to distance myself.

I know it took a lot for you to share that but journeys as such make us stronger and hopefully your relationship with your step daughter has grown. You said a mouthful but for any household blended or not, DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE RUN YOUR HOUSEHOLD, was the best thing you said!!

GFS said...

I loved my step-mother and we got along great. I was more sad when she passed away than when my own father did. She was a really nice woman and she didn't have any children. When my brother & I inquired would she and my father have any, her answer was always, "I have 2 children, you and your sister." My mom also wasn't a busy body and she only wanted what was best for us. I know it can be difficult, my brother is a step-parent and it's not always easy.

GFS said...

That's so refreshing to hear that it's not always challenging!

The 11th Commandment: Style Shall NEVER Be Sacrificed
Reiko at God's Favorite Shoes
http://www.godsfavoriteshoes.com/

GFS said...

You are so right.
Seeing the other person's perspective can help but not always. It really depends on the family dynamics
Reiko

GFS said...

Yes ! I sat on this post for a while before
I clicked send but I'm so glad I did! It looks like a lot of people have gone through this
Reiko

GFS said...

I couldn't click the link on the book

Reiko

GFS said...

Thank you. I think was me for a whole.
I couldn't figure out why it couldn't be like the movies but sometimes it is what it is.
Reiko

GFS said...

Ha! Thank you Tiffanie!

Reiko

GFS said...

I'm learning the same thing! Looks like I'm not alone!

Reiko

GFS said...

Thank you Larry for commenting! It can imagine being the father in a blended family has it own share of headaches. It's not easy being the "step" in the situation though because we naturally want to be help mate to our husbands and be a support system but it can be hard if all parties are not on the same page! I'm glad you got something from the post!
Reiko

GFS said...

Gurl I can totally relate to your story, I'm a step-parent too and my husband of 6 years finally realized his son was not an angel, whew! I too have stories for days as to what has happened in our household.. but get this, he's 26 years old!!!! In the end he's finally moved out and guess what, he can never come back to live with mom (step-mom) and dad. We have the best relationship, I love him dearly and its mutual.

GFS said...

26!!!! Geesh!

Reiko

GFS said...

Look under her name, Donna Jarrett. I must say, based on your post, you're working it just fine. GREAT POST!

GFS said...

I posted above, look under her name Donna Jarrett. Although I must say, you are handling it just fine. GREAT POST!

GFS said...

Great Advice! Word for Word!

GFS said...

As a step child my step mom didn't like me because she felt I was taking $ away from her since my dad was actually finally financially supporting me. I didn't like her either. 0_0

GFS said...

Great read...I know this felt good to get out. Loved it..I owe you a call!

GFS said...

I was fortunate enough to be blessed with a wonderful step dad who I regard as my father and step family who IS my family. It might be a different experience for a man entering into a family which is already formed though. This might be more accepted from a societal standpoint than the other way around. Men are depicted less responsive to their children's mother getting into another relationship or the new spouse might serve as the protector from the old one.

GFS said...

Thanks Tammie! I have never though about it that way but I think you are on to something. My husband regards his step dad as his dad. Hands down. I can see a new step dad might be easier to accept than a new step mom
Reiko

GFS said...

Wonderful post! My ex husband and I had a rocky relationship after divorce. After time we were able to get along. I know that I made a decision to do so because I hate dissention. Our kids loved the fact that there was no arguing. He remarried a couple of years ago. I introduced myself to his wife one weekend he brought our daughter home. They dated a while before they married but I never met her. They live in another state so it's seldom that they are around. The three of us get along great and I have never interfered in anything that goes on. I trust that as their father he would not let harm come to them.

GFS said...

No it's not from what I can tell. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

Sent from my iPad

GFS said...

Really great post. I have dated men who had kids and people would make comments. It is a tough situation that really shouldnt. I believe it goes to who you have kids with. Jada and Will really looked up. Even Jada said at the start it wasnt easy. People have to truly want whats best. I feel long as the hubs is fine with how you raise the kids thats all that matters. Who cares about other people and their thoughts. They are not raising the kids nor there all the time when things are going on. You are a great women, wife, mom, friend and Child of God. =)

GFS said...

Ive never been a step parent, but this was awesome. I know people in this situation and what you wrote is soooo appropriate! Thanks

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